I want to have your abortion
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
