either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
