When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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