and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
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