dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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