Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
