I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
