you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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