I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
