Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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