I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
