I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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