I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
