I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
