please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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