He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
