I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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