We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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