Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
