My sheets look like a crime scene.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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