I'm going to rape someone's good day.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
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The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
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We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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