There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
