His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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