woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just threw up on my dentist
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
