You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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