Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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