i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
