Texts From Last Night

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  (905): View more from Toronto

  i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight

  (1-905): View more from Toronto

  i totally said that

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  (905): i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight (1-905): i totally said that http://tfl.nu/40bc
  Replies (19) Good night (4154) Bad night (648)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.

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  (214): I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off. http://tfl.nu/qpy6
  Replies (38) Good night (649) Bad night (4392)
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  but it's kind of a high honor.

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  (308): I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly. (402): but it's kind of a high honor. http://tfl.nu/hn5k
  Replies (30) Good night (1434) Bad night (6099)
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.

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  (417): My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong. http://tfl.nu/opsu
  Replies (14) Good night (1196) Bad night (7962)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

  (415): View more from California

  Why?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

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  (206): My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now. (415): Why? (206): Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch. http://tfl.nu/7w51
  Replies (15) Good night (1888) Bad night (4498)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.

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  (815): Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants. http://tfl.nu/z0pn
  Replies (4) Good night (1852) Bad night (1030)
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  (845): View more from New York

  Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me

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  (845): Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me http://tfl.nu/lgfh
  Replies (9) Good night (3286) Bad night (1021)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms

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  (412): I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms http://tfl.nu/sbef
  Replies (18) Good night (3947) Bad night (1298)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.

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  (330): Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay. http://tfl.nu/7dwn
  Replies (4) Good night (1821) Bad night (925)
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?

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  (352): Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room? http://tfl.nu/ie68
  Replies (14) Good night (2589) Bad night (732)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..

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  (727): Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter.. http://tfl.nu/a2wm
  Replies (0) Good night (967) Bad night (446)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits

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  (425): I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits http://tfl.nu/tp61
  Replies (5) Good night (576) Bad night (432)
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?

  (1-601): View more from Mississippi

  She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.

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  (601): Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes? (1-601): She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her. http://tfl.nu/le6w
  Replies (4) Good night (515) Bad night (347)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?

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  (785): And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney? http://tfl.nu/o9bx
  Replies (0) Good night (414) Bad night (396)
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class

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  (719): You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class http://tfl.nu/tmgn
  Replies (1) Good night (326) Bad night (139)

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