i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
