mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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