Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
