I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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