Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
