I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You pole danced in your parka.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
