If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
