you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
So squirting runs in the family.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
