i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
