You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
