Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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