dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
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