Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
