Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
