Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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