My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
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did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
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Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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