he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
