so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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