If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I am spending my child support on dildos
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
