You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
