no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
