yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
