I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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