i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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