I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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