Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
