I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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