pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
