I didn't shave. On purpose
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
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Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
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Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.