i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night