I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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