How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
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I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
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You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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