and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
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Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
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she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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